✨ Stefani
The Luminous Project
A Conversation with Stefani
After photographing Stefani and her family for 17 years, I sat down with her after her Luminous session to talk about turning 50, navigating change, allowing herself to be seen, and what it felt like to finally create portraits just for herself.
Can you share a little about yourself?
I’m Stefani, born and raised in the Bay Area of San Francisco in the East Bay, and I’ve lived in San Francisco for the past 23 years, ever since I came back to do my residency in internal medicine at UCSF. I have two teenagers, and I work as a hospitalist in internal medicine at CPMC in San Francisco.
What does being a Luminous woman mean to you personally?
It means being able to be in the spotlight for a minute. The spotlight’s on you, not on others, and just owning that instead of being shy, embarrassed, or scared. It’s about stepping into the light and letting yourself shine through.
What made you say yes to the session?
When your children are young, you’re not really thinking too much about yourself. I was working full time and had young children. I didn’t really exercise for a long time, I didn’t really think too much about what I was eating. It was a very, very busy time. Now that my kids are older and I’m getting to a certain point in midlife, I have more time to think about myself, really. I was also turning 50 this year, so it felt like a nice way, capturing this moment in time, which I think is important for a lot of women. I wanted to celebrate being 50 and having time for myself, and now I exercise and eat better and all those things.
What would your younger self be most proud of about the woman you are today?
My younger self would probably be proud of how strong I am, and how much I’ve been able to do for myself, and still do it, even through hard times. It’s having resilience, strength and independence. And not having to rely on somebody else. Not that you don’t have friends and family that support you, but I can just do it all on my own if I need to, or when I need to. School was never really easy for me, but it wasn’t hard either. It’s a different kind of hard. It was almost like autopilot because you had your path already set out for you. You just follow the steps. Whereas the rest of life is a little messier.
Has a challenging experience or life transition shaped the woman you’re becoming? What has it taught you about yourself?
Right now I’m going through a divorce. I would say that’s probably the biggest thing I’ve experienced aside from having children. I’m raising my kids by myself essentially, and I never thought I would be a divorced person. My parents are still married, my sister is still married, most of my friends are still married. It just wasn’t something I thought would happen in my world, especially to me. My mediator told me that in studies, when they interview people getting married, everyone can tell you the divorce rate is 50 percent, but nobody thinks it’s going to happen to them.
I’ve cried more than I’ve ever cried in my entire life, but I’m able to be sad in that moment and then keep going. I’m appreciative of that strength I have. I don’t know where it comes from, but I guess it’s just who I am.
Did you feel like you had to give yourself permission to be seen or celebrated in that way?
I didn’t think of it in those exact words, but I think unconsciously, yes. I don’t really have a problem with someone taking a picture of me — that’s just between the two of us. But the actual sharing of the pictures, like when you needed my permission to post on Instagram, I had to think about it for a day. I think the sharing is the harder part, not the taking.
Why do you think it can feel uncomfortable for women to take up that space, even when the attention is positive?
You don’t want to feel like you’re showing off or bragging. It’s not even really calling attention to yourself, because I’m not a shy person, that’s not the issue. It’s more that, for me to share the picture myself, it feels a little bit braggy, or like showing off. So it’s just having to come to terms with that. But then the older you get, you’re also like, who cares? The way I should have thought about it is, what if one of my close friends had posted a picture of herself in the same way? I would have been so happy to see it. So why wouldn’t they be happy to see a picture of me? I think it’s a woman thing, not just a mother thing. Most of us are always trying to support others and highlight the successes of others. It’s not that we’re trying to put ourselves down, but we aren’t as used to highlighting ourselves, or illuminating ourselves.
When your kids or loved ones look at these portraits years from now, what do you hope they see or remember about you?
You mean like when I’m dead? I hope they will remember that I was fun, and somebody that they liked to be with. I think that comes through in the pictures. I look pretty fun. My serious smile doesn’t really look like me, the ones where I’m smiling look more like me.
Hopefully they will not put me in a box in the attic. I think they will frame one if they want to. Hopefully they won’t have to do that for a long time though, because I’m going to just be here torturing them in person.
Did I tell you what Willie said when I was turning 50? He said, mom, you’re halfway done. I was like, I guess he thinks I’m going to live to 100. And then somebody said, no, you’re just getting started. I was like, yes.
What would you tell another woman stepping into her own next chapter?
Just to know that you can do it, and you have to be kind to yourself, and you have to give yourself space sometimes. But you can do it. You’re strong, and I think all of us have that strength in us. It’s just being able to find it and tap into it, and believe that you can do it, because you can. I think the vast majority of us can, maybe some need more help than others, but you can do it.
I actually just heard this thing on the radio, like the other day, I don’t know, it must have been a podcast or something. It was giving all these examples of amazing positive things that came out of something that originally, on the surface, seemed really bad, and maybe actually was really bad, but then it led to something really awesome. The problem is there can be years between those two things. The bad thing can happen, or the transition can happen, and it might take a while. But you will get through it, and then something is going to come out that you didn’t expect or didn’t have planned in your life, that’s going to be great in some way.
I only let her airbrush some of my wrinkles, not all of them.
I remember seeing Alpana’s photos about 17 years ago, and I knew I wanted those for my family. The pictures she took of my kids were so great, I still have them all over my house. She has a way of capturing moments that, while she’s taking the photos, you have no idea they’re going to turn out like that.
After years of family photos, I already knew how well they always turned out, so I thought I should have that for myself. The prep process was so helpful. I probably would never have included the blazer or done the more risqué outfit, the lace one. It’s not something you do every day unless you’re a model, so you need some guidance.
Alpana guided me through the whole thing. On my own, I probably would have stopped at some point along the way. Having the hair and makeup done was a huge relief, and even the mood board process, which isn’t really my thing, ended up being helpful.
She also listened to what mattered to me. I wanted to look natural, not overdone, and even joked that she could airbrush some of my wrinkles, but not all of them.
I have all these pictures now that I look at and think, I didn’t know I looked that good.